the void project – notes – madrona

The days fall like dead leaves. I have no way of recording them… the layers of complexity built up from all that has occurred before… I seek out the wilderness for its quiet example. the wild has its own way of arranging things. I’ve never been able to tolerate the human version: landscaping.. but I didn’t grow up here.

under universal city someone threatens us with murder only a moment before the police storm in. we are spared. the doors close on authority and whatever else our antagonist has on his mind. there was no resistance on the train, no visible reaction. It would’ve been a good death.

hollywood is quiet. the world is quiet now. nothing exists outside the screaming wheels. the death train doesn’t relent – where are we going? hurry up! say what’s on your mind. what are your thoughts?

I exist as a simple node reflecting silence – yet through me the wild, untrammeled wilderness, the coursing blood of the savage, the heart of the hummingbird, the blind seed that falls where it will, a spore, a grain of sand, a dust cloud… the sound of the wind.

on through the grid – to the madrona marsh. I’m drawn to it, an echo from the past. I don’t know what crazy sequence of events spared it. surely it won’t hold out much longer. the wild grasses there lead down to a still pool. I’m only there for a moment, just to record it. I don’t need this, the quiet. I’ve had enough.

(guitar change) after two passes, driveby fade up w/ voiceover below – to graffiti image sequence

I get off at the end of the blue line and head down toward little tokyo. the art district is a weird adjunct between the elegant japanese and skid row. the scene reminds me of the marsh, the wilderness – the opposing forces that have worked it down to what it is today. nobody planned to fill the streets with homeless. I don’t know what it is that draws the taggers, but the place resonates with images of itself – what the kids coming up see it as.

this is important work, more meaningful, more alive, than what you would find in a gallery,. something wild, that belongs here.

anonymous post from the wild..

I got some time off after working 20 days straight in Idaho Falls, ID working on an old homestead site out in the middle of the potato fields. I’ll be back next Tuesday for some more bump and grind in Spudlandia.
I’ve met some really great people living life fully and on their own terms. There is definitely some kind of movement of adapting to the dire state of this country that is set upon us. In many respects, I wish I was on my full game with this shovelbum tribe I find myself in. I’m just sucking it up and hanging on as best I can with the whole scene.
For example in Battle Mountain, NV, it just so happen there was a touring mud wrestling bevy of girls who needed a replacement and one of the gals at work took the temp job to make some extra cash. You got to realize that we are in the middle of butt fuck nowhere and this might as well be Deadwood, North Dakota in the 19th century – mining, railroading, cat houses, bars, and meth (modern times, man). Your talking about places such as Elko, Winneamucca, Catlin, Ely where it’s a hard scrabble life. Our Sarah aka Indiana Jade who is this cute as a button little blonde thing 25 or so dressed in a string biking and a hard hat and a neon safety vest did the pole right at the bar in Elko. She mud wrestled as a champ and made $400 from those blue collar hicks. A bunch of us from work were there and it was just surreal to say the least.
I have to admit I’ve been doing some heavy drinking to drown my sorrows and get some temporary relief, but in the end I guess it’s better to burn out then to fade away. I’m still amazed the abuse I do to my constitution and still being able to do a full days work – the ____ blood with all it’s insanity and ____ stamina.
Back to reality – my sis ____ is giving me no slack about my circumstances but is supportive on but not my bad behavior. She is confident that I’ll pull through this somehow but she’s more concerned how I will be after the fact.
So I’m asking myself in a Zen context how am I’m really handling this without being in a space of picking and choosing. Certainly, there is a hyper sense of reality. It’s not everyday you see a couple of pronghorn antelope speed through the sage landscape like phantoms in the morning light set up against mesas in the background dusted with snow. Or hearing 6 or 7 crazy ass life story conversations as we fully excavated a 30,000 year old prehistoric site – all of them worthy of at least a short story. The beauty is certainly there and my dualistic state of mind is preventing me to see this amazing kaledioscope of humanity before me express itself in so many ways.
It reminds me of that koan where you are hanging over a cliff only being save by a twisted vine while a white mouse and a black mouse is nibbling away your lifeline.
One thing I’m beginning to realize is when the rug of your comfort zone is pulled out under you – you are 24/7 in a koan. There is no moving forward, backward, sideways, or anyway. Your are stuck. And somehow you have to get out of your head and embrace it all. Probably if things were back to the same I would be having lunch at Subway at the Base, doing some grocery shopping in ____, and heading back to the trailer up in ____, and following the same routine which is comforting to a point for sure. But it doesn’t compare to being at the abyss with your lifeline threatened.
nobody gets out of here alive..

Is Buddhism selfish?

Q. Highlights of my lineage may shed some light on my challenge of finding a spiritual home to hang my hat on: Various forms of meditation for decades but initiated as lineage of Druid, Nichiren Buddhist, Shaman & Usui Reiki Reijo – Shinpenden. None were of the quick variety in they all required years of study/practice.
I’m really having some issues/struggles with the buddhism. While I get great benefits from various forms of meditation, chanting & some of the dharma. My turn offs are: Dogma – Hierarchy – Pomp/Trappings – Tolerance but lack of true acceptance of GBLT – Overly serious/attachment to ones sect/lineage – Over focused on knowledge of teachings instead of wisdom gained from practice – Siddhārtha Gautama didn’t achieve enlightenment from reading Koans and texts.
The one that feels so contrarian is feeling my buddhist practice going all the way back to my first experiences as a child at the Vedanta temple are self serving. While my other experiences with shamanism/druidry/reijo have always been and continue to be altruistic. While I do realize a better improved me does effect others in a positive way I’m still at odds with this self-serving sense of buddhism.
Any wisdom you can share is warmly welcomed.
A bit more..
I’ve been classified as terminally ill with the maximum life expectancy of 5 years. Next month is my 5 year anniversary and don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. Not looking for sympathy by any means “it is what it is” besides sympathy is in the dictionary right between shit and suicide.
Getting to the point and trying not to turn this into a novel. Besides my practice turning pain & suffering into a powerful tool I’m able to manage the effects of my heart failure, severe mixed sleep apnea and neurological conditions with yoga nidra, meditation & reijho.
I just finished reading the Joy of Living a couple weeks ago and could relate to much of it first hand.  In part having proved to my doctors that I can consciously manage my hearts rhythm, rate & blood pressure,  manage severe nerve pain without use of drugs by in a sense embracing it and letting it go. Finally was able to get off the machine that was keeping alive while at the same time slowly killing me through rejuvenating my body via yoga nidra and resting my mind via meditation.*
While not feeling spiritually in crisis I feel I’m at a crossroads. As mentioned below I feel my buddhist practice is self serving even though it’s extending my life and improving its quality. 

PS: A funny realization I had during the meditation talk at the library regarding those profound mirror images we get sometimes and realize thats no longer me. Well below is a poem I wrote about such an occasion last May. It was a profound moment were I realized I hadn’t taken any pain killers in a year (I was on and expected to be on ever increasing daily doses of morphine & oxycodone for the rest of my life) also in that same moment after 8 years of healing I was able to forgive and feel compassion towards the man that murdered my life partner. A very liberating experience, I was very taken back how empowering forgiveness and compassion in action could be.

“Pain is a powerful teacher and motivator, it has taught me compassion for others and towards myself. Pain has given me focus and a renewed passion for life. Pain has made me into a far better man than I would be without its constant companionship.”

Many Thanks

*Unlike most people level 3, 4, & Rem sleep cause my body to forget to breath & heart goes into irregular heart beat triggering cardiac events, TIA, strokes & seizures. The machine that kept me alive by pumping my lungs also would enable me to experience those states as well as throw me into sleep paralysis that is like being in a coma state were one’s body is totally paralyzed but ones is totally aware. The after effects of sitting with three tibetan lamas in meditation EarthDay 2009 in Sedona plus advise from shaman and yogi was I able to turn it into a healing opportunity thus turning sleep paralysis into yoga nidra enabling me to meditate for hours instead of traditional sleep.

***

A. Thank you for your beautiful concern and sentiment. First of all, it takes some kind of event to distance oneself from the mindset of organized religion. Not everyone would agree. From their perspective, the practice is going fine, their peers are wonderful, there’s no need to question authority. However, as everything’s impermanent, this stasis, complacency, must give way. Even if there are no major events, the thing becomes dull on its own. This should be understood, yet time and again we’re taken in by the promise of freedom, the release of our burdens. If there were a world-honored one alive today, I’d point you there – but a lot of things have to be in alignment for this. Easier to reject everything and drill down to the core. If you don’t have the energy for this – if it’s not your time – then whatever you’re able to discern, however much of it, must be enough. Not only adequate, but precisely so.

The first retreat I sat was with a Vipassana group at Southern Dharma. The instructor was a castaway from a prominent line in the northeast. Not only he, but all of the elders I met then warned me about the institution. I couldn’t grasp it then. How could a community of practitioners go wrong? I find it very peculiar that this was the first note that was struck. The thought has never occurred to me until this very moment. During the retreat he also stressed this point: “The Buddha recommended that you begin practicing while the hair is still black, meaning while you still have the energy to take on this arduous task.”

These days I regard the Buddhist institution as a network of friends, my only connection to them to give back to the community, which brings me to your initial question, “Is Buddhism selfish?” How much are you willing to give? If it is your whole life, not only this one, but countless ones, to the end of time – for the liberation of all beings… but the pursuit of dharma, the trappings of it… feels to me like I’m dealing with an irascible child, that if you react to animistic behavior, it will only reinforce it. So I talk about other things. You have to trust that the child will eventually grow up – that the true face has already appeared. How could it be any other way?

 

DZC dharma talk breakdown for Sunday

I’ve recently renewed my relations with Dharma Zen Center in Los Angeles, on a training phase to return to Senior Dharma Teacher status. As a result, I’m giving the first talk there I’ve given in over a decade. Here are the main points I want to cover:

practice elusive

- where?

-dharma hall?

-formal practice?

shielded core can’t be surmounted

-no one believes it

-everything must go

-ego refuses

recipe

-clean life

-deep concern for humanity

-no concern for your own affairs

key

-discharging ego in larger context, away from self

work of meditation

-appears to be focused inward

-a courageous leap into the furnace (Ta Hui)

story from Ta Hui

formal practice

-why we’re here

-transformative with this caveat:

–long retreats

–resolve worldy attachments

–leave practice behind, dormant phase

–consumed by own karma

–finished the burning

–someone brings you back to the dharma hall by the hand (HMSN)

–breakthrough

look back at formal training

-given an alloted chore

-complete the chore, then what?

-break from the nest, bathe in the elements

-things don’t go your way

-the flow of your complicated affairs – not the goal

-goal isn’t to remain above it either (nestled in w/ whatever victory of adversity)

-to be completely smashed, devoured, taken apart

-your karma is the cure

DSSN – take away I – then no problem – how to take away this I?

 

breaking point

Q – I think I have reached yet another breaking point.

I’m not sure why, but it seems that anything I try to hold onto or to create out of security, any place that I show rigidity gets blown to smithereens.

I have absolutely nothing to lose. Nothing. I cried out of self pity today, but then felt an odd kind of strength, a not caring what anyone thought of me, not caring what became of my little shell, just here, feeling the sun on my skin and the sharp grass on my feet, watching the trees move in the breeze, hearing the cars go by, one….by one.

I’m trapped in nothing to do and no where to go. I tried to get out, but I’m here…one step in any direction is certain hell.

Where can one go from here?

A – I’m not one to interfere with the natural processes the adept must endure, especially these crucial flashpoints. Right livelihood is crucial for the Western practitioner, as there is no infrastructure, no example, no friend in the corporate world – you have to make your own way, carve it out of the raw stuff you bring to the world. What can you do that no one else can? For myself, I’ve become a high-end carpenter, largely through building Zen centers. My first job was the pagoda at Providence Zen Center.. I now work part-time for wealthy clients in the South Bay, and do long retreats, develop books, movies, etc. I didn’t plan any of it, nor would I have thought it possible when I left the monastery. It’s not a stable existence, no guarantee that tomorrow I’ll have a warm meal, no place of my own, nothing in the bank. I’m not living in society, but alongside it. There’s no mistaking freedom when it flies in the face of convention, regardless of circumstance, outcome. But it doesn’t come easily. It requires the very thing you’re facing to be weathered until every vestige of persona is swept away by the currents, until the current holds sway.

on engaged Buddhism

Q – At some point in The Zen Revolution you mentioned letting you know if we’d like to hear from you on anything specific. I’d be interested in your take on “Engaged Buddhism”, if you are so inclined at some point. Also, are you familiar with Toni Packer and her “abandonment” of Zen and Buddhist practises? (and the apparent reactions to this within the “community”) What’s your take on such a self assured move away from traditional Zen? Just a couple of suggestions for down the road if they interest you.

A – thank you – wonderful subjects to tackle. my feeling about Zen is that it has already appeared. The hierarchy, the institution, is what we need at this point in our spiritual development in the west. it’s a great resource, and I feel a necessary one – however, it’s by no means a final destination. Few older adepts remain with with the lineages that aren’t labored with title/position. This is also the way it’s supposed to be. I see no conflict, just the need to give voice to it.

By engaged buddhism you mean outreach? the real work is internal. everything else is moving the pile from one place to another. it’s not against the flow, but doesn’t necessarily hit the mark. if you’re able to break through to the Absolute, then, only then, does the real teaching, the real outreach, begin.

Q – Thanks for your response… I agree with you there, moving the pile from one place to another & not hitting the mark – but, isn’t the “engaged” outreach a natural progression for Buddhism in the west. The western concepts of “compassion” and “love” are great stumbling blocks for this culture to let go – to see past. They can not let go of the Christian concepts enough to progress beyond the duality. (I find this very difficult to express properly) Perhaps what I am getting at is that engaged Buddhism is fine, OK, good… and like any other religion or faith, only a few will truly seek truth beyond the dogma, tradition, presentation, hope, etc.. to truly seek within ones self. Therefore, perhaps engaged Buddhism should be embraced and encouraged as the natural evolution of Buddhism in the west. Does that make any sense to you?

A – people are naturally loving and compassionate at their core, so this doesn’t necessarily fall into the Buddhist domain. If you’ve met Zen Master Seung Sahn, you saw for yourself how this is supposed to work. To the point, he was not your friend. He would cut your legs out from under you on his way out of town, and not a word to ease the dismemberment. you would find out years later how accurate he was, how far ahead of you.

there are few of this caliber, the path is long. if there is no chance for your practice to heat up, if you aren’t inclined to run the gauntlet, I see no harm in the various side avenues – as long as it remains clear that this is a branch, and not the heart of the matter.

response to recent post from an authority on Zen.

How does this kensho theory that everyone in the West repeats back and forth explain the enlightened master, or the Buddha himself? If there were no transformative aspect, none of us would be so compelled to go through these difficult processes. My theory is that there are no enlightened teachers in the West on the level of the founders. This whole Zen society was built up far too quickly (the head of the Kwan Um School became a teacher after only a few years). The landscape of Zen in the West is disappointing for a lot of us, but the problem of the institution is nothing new. Dogen left Japan for China to find a qualified master, protested often against the “dirty, ruined tiles” of Zen hierarchy in Japan. My take on it is pretty well documented in The Zen Revolution. After having a few big experiences, I found none of the teachers I admired in the Kwan Um School responsive, as if I’d been my whole life on the yellow brick road, only to find no wizard behind the curtain. Having known Zen Master Seung Sahn very well, and other enlightened masters, it’s hard for me to grok the watered down vs we have today. I honestly feel that no one is qualified to verify a genuine kensho experience, because they haven’t had one themselves. The title, or seeking after it, destroys practice. I’ve seen multiple cases of this. That’s the real enemy here, not some natural process of uncovering the true self.

letter to a friend

a heartfelt note to me this morning begged a break from the whirlwind of work, a careful moment of reflection, and this..

this is a long story. ultimately it’s for your own good, your maturation into a woman of the path – but to separate from the cloth is probably more difficult than a divorce. there are many dark days ahead, and hardly an example to reflect on, but the path is always there, more vibrant the more you become free of hindrances. in fact, it wants to work more directly through you, without the weight of the tradition – that it can be more intimate, personal – the path becomes your life, your mind, your persona. many, perhaps all of the great men and women of history eventually went their own way. the emotional part of it must be surmounted before you can get to the bone of it, what will be the most difficult part of your journey. if you can weather this, and what is coming, hopefully, to break you of lingering attachments, you will become the master that you’ve been seeking. what use will the robes be then?

friday of inexplicable wonder..

blessed of days, release of all the week’s turmoil, these small hours of freedom in the darkening wilderness…

the new website is online, along with all of  The Zen Revolution media: free epub and pdf, the retreat schedule, the chapter statements (all 22 of them) and links to everything else. enjoy..

www.thezenrevolution.com

back to the world..

and all the obligations I’ve got coming to me – not so much. These last few years have been general clearing out and what amounts to a clearcut field overgrown with weeds. the sound of the wind here, if I could illustrate it properly, what it conveys, I wouldn’t need to drag out the old tools and beat the trail looking for work. but this is all I know..